NORTH DOWNS & BEYOND

Again I am indebted to the Bard of Littlestone who, together with a bit of help from The Bedford Plover, came up with the following football team. It must have been a very slow sea-watch... Rob Greenshank Ray Wilson's Petrel Jackdaw Charlton Terry Butcher Bird Ashley Cole Tit Carlton Palmer Dove Franklin's Gull Lampard Bobby Moorehen (captain) Rodney Marsh Warbler John Raddesford Warbler Mick Leach's Petrel No Man United players considered as they are divers!

As some of you will know, I live in Surrey. And as some of you will also know, people who live in Surrey are very rich and very posh. Just to prove this point I thought that I'd share with you this photograph of my 'main' residence (above). It is called 'Twitcher's Hall'. I bought it from one of the Birdguide's chaps, who was in need of spending a lot money very quickly to avoid taxes - he has just purchased half of Berkshire. I spend most of my time here, although I do like to spend long weekends at one of my other homes, dotted around the picturesque villages of the United Kingdom, which are boarded up for most of the year and killing off the communities that they are in. It's not my fault that the locals cannot afford to buy them, is it? I was hot-air ballooning over my acres last week and it struck me just how unlucky that I am - not a decent water body to be seen. There are a few commoners cottages in a dip, so I will just have to eject the te...

"Mr Gatting, I must insist that you remove the Olive-backed Pipit from your list. You were clearly still eating a cheese and pickle sandwich in the dressing room at the time." In a move that has sent shockwaves through the birding community, the BOU has revealed that it intends to implement new technology to address the perennial problem of stringing in birding. After studying the 'third' umpire arrangement adopted by some cricketing authorities, a spokesman from Britain's premier birding gestapo said "It is time we smoked the charlatans out of birding. They are cheating scum and they need to be exposed as such." Although they will not be drawn on specifics, we at North Downs and beyond believe that the following plans are being considered: *All birders to wear specially adapted spectacles that are fitted with 'actual vision' camcorders. Any birder claiming a lifer will have to submit the footage of the event for a panel of experts to a...

Hello again! Haven't posted for, let me see, at least a week. I haven't seen much, not been anywhere in particular and to be honest had very little to blog about... until now. I was checking up on my linked blogs and came across Neil Randon's latest post . Oh dear - I recognise those symptoms. They are the signs of somebody getting mightily frustrated with his lot. I've been there (many times). I too have questioned why I do what I do. It is easy to get the hump. However, being in a Zen-like state of calm and finding myself floating at least three foot off the ground as I type this, I can give Neil (and any other sufferers) my humble observations. ONE They are only birds (or plants, or moths...) They are not on earth to represent your worthiness. TWO What you have seen (or are going to see) has no bearing on your worth as a human being. THREE If there are those out there who do judge you on the length of a list or birding prowess, then their judgement is ha...