Twitcher's Hall


As some of you will know, I live in Surrey. And as some of you will also know, people who live in Surrey are very rich and very posh. Just to prove this point I thought that I'd share with you this photograph of my 'main' residence (above). It is called 'Twitcher's Hall'. I bought it from one of the Birdguide's chaps, who was in need of spending a lot money very quickly to avoid taxes - he has just purchased half of Berkshire. I spend most of my time here, although I do like to spend long weekends at one of my other homes, dotted around the picturesque villages of the United Kingdom, which are boarded up for most of the year and killing off the communities that they are in. It's not my fault that the locals cannot afford to buy them, is it?

I was hot-air ballooning over my acres last week and it struck me just how unlucky that I am - not a decent water body to be seen. There are a few commoners cottages in a dip, so I will just have to eject the tenants and flood the area. I'll soon get the old list up!


This is Evans the butler, sweeping up after a 'twitcher shoot' that we held on Sunday. It worked a treat! We texted a few select twitching types, telling them of a Hawk Owl on site but making them swear to suppression. Thirty of them turned up and we bagged the lot! Trouble is, they left quite a mess, all of that army surplus gear in tatters. One chaps bandana was hanging at the top of one of the Christmas Trees which caused us all to laugh - I nearly left it up there...

Evans has been with my family since the Pallas's Sandgrouse eruption of 1888. He can remember when our Turtle Dove shoots would bag 300 birds in a morning, but now we are lucky if we kill 3 in a spring. Bloody things used to wake me up with that confounded purring in the morning. I reckon the Maltese have got it just about right on taming these winged vermin.

Anyway, enough from me. I'm just about to go and meet Owen Paterson to discuss my being invited onto a government environmental think-tank. Hope none of those bloody troublemakers are there - you know, the likes of Packham, Oddie and May. I'd better take my gun in case any of the blighters are!!

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