"Madame et Monsieur, have you a reservation with us today?"
Him: Yes, a table for two, in the name of Mr and Mrs Chaffinch.
"Ah, yes, please follow me. I have a wonderful table for you overlooking the lawn. I would remind you to look out for the cat and we have been visited by a rather tenacious Sparrowhawk this week"
"May I take your faecal sac?"
Him: No, we'll keep them with us thank you.
"Mais oui. Can I offer you a drink? We have a selection of bird baths, a pond and a particularly fine muddy puddle at the bottom of the garden"
Him: Have you a house bath?
"Of course sir. And can I suggest our special starter today, Husk Free Seed Mix?"
Him: We'll choose from the menu thankyou.. now hen, what do you fancy?
Her: There's so much to choose from. I quite fancy a seed starter, but where to start...
Him: Well, there's Hi Energy Supreme, Feeder Seed, Feeder Seed Plus, Everyday Seed Mix, Organic Wild Bird Blend, Gourmet Small Bird Mix..
Her: Isn't that for Goldcrests?
Him: No dear, we can have that as well. There's also Black Sunflowers, Whole Sunflower Hearts, Premium Sunflower Hearts and, oh look, they've got Premium Kibbled Sunflower Hearts as well!
Her: This CJ Wildlife Restaurant really does have a choice, doesn't it!
Him: It should do for the price... I'm going to have the Kibbled Hearts.
Her: Me too. What about main course?
Him: Well, they've got some basic food, such as Table Seed, Vitality Mix, Robin Blend - I'm not eating that red-breasted crap - Kibbled Peanuts, Hi-Enegy Ground Blend and All Seasons Seed Mix. You could have any of that and combine it with Pinhead Oats, Naked Rolled Oats...
Him: Steady, I'm not ready for any of that territorial shit yet - Sultanas, Duck and Swan Sprinkle - who do they think we are, webbed footers? - Oystershell Grit, Mixed Corn, Nutrobal Dietary Supplement and Sprinkle Support.
Her: Oystershell Grit for me with a side order of Pinhead Oats.
Him: I'm going for the Hi-Energy Ground Blend
Her: You know that will play havoc with your bill!
Him: Yeah, yeah, yeah, What about desert?
Her: I quite fancy a Peanut Butter Cake.
Him: Well, looking at this they do it with Mealworms, or insects, with nuts or seed. But then again you could have a fat ball - loads of choice here - Giant ball on a rope, with or without seeds, or with insects, or mealworms, or peanuts.
Her: Oh, are those Suet Treats there?
Him: Yup, you can have Jupiter...
Her: What's that?
Him: No idea - or pellets with insects, or berries, or peanuts, or fruit, or mealworms for that matter
Her: Do they do coconut?
Him: Yes, with...
Her: Let me guess, mealworms, or insects or berries?
Him: You got it. We could always be daring and try their live menu. I've always fancied a bit of wriggling mealworm.
Her: I might just stick to Nyger actually. I need to lose a bit of weight before we start all of that displaying nonsense. Have you sorted out a nest site yet?
Him: Don't start. The Chaffinches down the road haven't even started to unflock yet!
(The foodstuffs listed above are ALL available from CJ Wildlife)