It was announced this afternoon that Birdguides, the UK-based birding franchise, has secured the services of the disgraced Uruguayan footballer Luis Suarez. The deal is believed to cover the period that FIFA have banned him from playing football, after he once again exhibited his homo-erotic habit of nibbling the shoulders of sweaty men dressed in tight fitting sports wear.
Although Birdguides was not forthcoming as to how they were going to utilise Mr Suarez' services, it is believed that he will be used to police twitches, actively biting photographers that get too close to the Booms and Rares. A birder who wishes to remain anonymous told North Downs and beyond:
"The twitching scene is getting out of hand. Although the crowds aren't what they used to be, the number of birders who bring big lenses to twitches is increasing, so much so that they get in the way of the normal birder, jostling for position to get decent shots to put on their boring blogs, getting too close to the bird, frightening it off and generally being dicks."
There were rumours that during a previous footballing ban last autumn, Spurn Bird Observatory hired Suarez to keep control of the rowdy mobs during a particularly busy autumn. This was largely successful until the Uruguayan lost it, and bit the tame Great Snipe, killing it instantly. A largely successful cover up was instigated, with a local cat being smeared by a shady Spurn-based spin doctor.
This is not the first time that the behaviour of birders has resulted in heavy handed tactics being used to re-establish control. Portland Bill Bird Observatory employed a Weymouth night club bouncer to eject trespassing birders from the observatory garden last October and the RSPB have been trialing the use of taser guns and cattle prods to evict lingering coach parties from the restaurants and cafes at Minsmere and Pulborough Brooks. There has been a surge in the number of requests to bring back 'old-style' bird wardens once more. 62 year old Pete 'Ticker' Bishop was quite adamant that this is needed to tame the rogue birder. "When I were a lad, if you bunked over the fence and onto a bird reserve you were shit scared that the warden would catch you. A clip round the ear was the least of your worries. I had mates who had their heads held under water in stagnant ditches just because they wanted to see a Little Egret. One of me birding friends actually disappeared at Minsmere when he 'went in' to try and flush a Purple Heron. His binoculars were found hung up next to a dozen dead Carrion Crows in a tree."
Suarez was unavailable for comment, but was apparently in training with a Merseyside Police dog-handling unit.